


Apart from You

by shirasade



Category: Lord of the Rings (Movies), Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-23
Updated: 2003-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-24 22:37:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirasade/pseuds/shirasade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The War separates Merry and Pippin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Separation (Pippin)

**Author's Note:**

> Haven't written any FPS in ages, thought it was time to try it again... My thanks go to Khylea for the beta.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone in Gondor, Pippin misses Merry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a vignette, but I'll probably write Merry's POV one of these days.

They had never really been separated before.  
Pippin had never been so aware of that fact as now, with Merry miles and miles away, a war between them. It had always been MerryandPippin, or 'that irresponsible Brandybuck and that fool of a Took', but always them. Never just Pippin, not for a long time, not since he was old enough to move around the Shire as he wanted.

And now that he was on his own, Pippin missed Merry desperately.

It had never been a conscious decision of either of them, as far as Pippin knew. Their closeness had simply happened, had come as natural as breathing to them both. They suited each other well, both always ready to laugh and pull crazy stunts, with Merry making sure that they did not overstep the boundaries of what was acceptable and what would have gotten them into serious trouble.

It had been the perfect match, as far as Pippin was concerned. If he looked back it seemed to him that one day he had been the annoying little boy trailing behind his admired older cousin, and the next they had run across the fields together, inseparable.

Until now, that was. Now they were very much separated, and, as usual, it had all been Pippin's fault.

Pippin sighed heavily and looked gloomily out over the city of Gondor, to the horizon that hid Merry from his view. This time not even Merry had managed to get him out of the trouble he had gotten himself into, and look what it had brought him? Trapped in a city preparing for a desperate siege, surrounded by tall men in armour -- and Merry far, far away from him.

During their journey Pippin had already seen many strange things, things no hobbit -- except maybe Bilbo Baggins -- had ever dreamed of seeing. But he had never been alone, because there had always been Merry, whose presence had made even the most dreadful things bearable.

Had he ever told Merry what his friendship meant to him? That there was no better thing than to enjoy a pipe, an ale, and some apples after a day of running around, sitting in that spot above Brandyhall that nobody seemed to know, overlooking the meadows and fields, with the river glistening in the distance. That whenever he saw something new, be it mundane or exciting, his first impulse was to turn around and share it with Merry, to see him smile at him with shining eyes. That a hug from Merry calmed Pippin's worst fears and made him feel secure and loved, no matter how sad or angry he had been only moments before. That he couldn't image living without Merry around him, that he wanted nothing more than make him laugh for the rest of their lives. That there would be nothing better than wake up next to Merry's warm body every morning until the day he died...

Pippin swallowed as he realized where his thoughts had led him. It had not been the first time he had found himself thinking of Merry not just as his best friend, but as more -- his soulmate, his lover, his love. But until now he had always thought that there would be a better opportunity to let Merry know about his feelings, a more convenient time. Later, later, he had thought and swallowed his emotions, never saying a word.

Maybe now there wouldn't be a later. Maybe he would never get the chance to tell Merry all of this, maybe one or both of them would die in this horrible war, and Merry would never know Pippin's heart, because Pippin had missed his chance.


	2. Absence (Merry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Pippin's absence, Merry thinks. About Pippin, responsibilities, love, and death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Companion to Pippin's POV in "Separation". Written while in a somewhat subdued mood, but tried not to make it too depressing.

Merry looked around, seeing only the grim faces of the Rohirrim riding around him, towering over one little lone hobbit far away from home. Everyone he knew was gone, far away. Worst of all, Pippin was far away too, leaving Merry all by himself.

Merry had never felt quite so lost on this dangerous quest as now that Gandalf had taken his cousin away from him. How he wished to hear one of Pippin's careless remarks now, see his smile, feel his closeness -- even hold him as he cried, the way he had done more than once in the last months.

It was not that Merry had never wished to be rid of the responsibility of caring for Pippin -- no, quite the contrary, he had wished several times that Pippin had stayed behind, in the Shire. At home. Where he belonged, where he could be happy and carefree Pippin, loved by everyone. But especially loved by Merry, loved so fiercely that no one could know about it -- least of all Pippin.

Sometimes the intensity of his love frightened Merry, because he knew that it could never be, that they both had other destinies to fulfil, laid upon them from the moment of their birth.

But until that time came Merry had resolved to enjoy being with Pippin, enjoy their friendship, their love, without burdening his cousin with complications. What good would it do him? Pippin should be able to live his youth without worries, to do what he liked with no fear of repercussions. Responsibility would catch up with him soon enough, and Merry did not want to be the one to destroy his innocence.

Pippin had been supposed to spend the years until his coming of age carefree, playing in the Shire and loving Merry with the guilelessness of a child. Therefore Merry had not found it difficult to keep quiet about his ever growing feelings, he had been content to be Pippin's playmate and best friend as long as law and custom allowed it.

Only Evil itself had intruded and changed both their lives dramatically. What had started out as a harmless adventure had turned into a life-threatening quest to save the whole of Middle Earth -- and Pippin had been forced to grow up much sooner than Merry had expected.

With regret he had seen Pippin's eyes change, grow weary and cautious, with his old carelessness showing up only occasionally -- and most of the time fatally, as Merry thought wryly. He had wanted to protect Pippin from what they had seen, but had known that he couldn't, that Pippin's innocence was lost unavoidably, irrevocably -- as was his own.

But at least they had still been together.

Not anymore, though. Now it was only Merry, with Pippin's absence burning like ice and fire on his mind. A part of his soul he had not even been fully aware of having was missing, and no way of telling if he'd ever get it back.

Wrapping himself tightly into his cloak, a constant reminder of the peaceful time they had spent in the woods of Lorien, Merry looked at the horizon passing by, trying to forget that Dernhelm was carrying him into an unavoidable war with an uncertain ending.

Somewhere out there was Pippin, facing an equally bleak future. Alone.

Suddenly all Merry wished for was for Pippin to be here with him, or for him to be with Pippin. If only they could face the future together, no matter what it brought. He only wanted to hold Pippin, see his face -- and let him know everything he had been hiding so long. Let him know that he loved him, more than was proper, more than was acceptable in the Shire.

Because what use had propriety now that they might die, so far away from the Shire?

Death was not a concept hobbits spent a lot of time thinking about, but now it was there, bleak and unavoidable -- and to his own surprise Merry found that it did not hold the terrors it once had. Yes, Merry could live with death.

Of course, he'd much rather live with Pippin.


	3. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither one of them had imagined their reunion like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After having been blocked for weeks for anything except the occasional angsty drabble due to stuff in my personal life, I finally managed to finish this little series. I hope you like the last part!

Neither one of them had imagined their reunion like this.

Merry could hardly remember it, he had been so close to giving up and just fading away. The only thing he remembered clearly was the relief he'd felt that he wasn't alone anymore. Pippin was with him, by his side, so whatever would happen, Merry knew it would be alright.

~~~

Pippin on the other hand remembered everything all too vividly and tried very hard to forget. The sight of Merry, his strong, brave Merry, so weak and close to death had scared him terribly, and when Merry asked if he was going to bury him, it had taken all his strength not to start crying.

But somehow he had brought Merry to the House of Healing, with Gandalf's help, and had to be shooed out of the room by the wizard, who assured him that Merry would recover. Pippin could hardly make himself believe the words -- Merry had looked as if he was dead already when they carried him in -- but he knew he had to, otherwise he would just curl up next to his cousin and just give up.

Instead Pippin asked to be put on guard at the House, thus making sure that he'd be close enough to learn about every change in Merry's state.

~~~

When Aragorn called Merry back from the Shadows, Merry was sure for a moment that he was back in the Shire and everything had been a bad dream. He opened his eyes and saw Pippin's familiar face close to his, and everything was how it was supposed to be.

Of course, then he noticed the lines of worry and sadness etched around Pippin's eyes and saw the strange uniform his cousin was wearing, and everything came back to him -- but the feeling of contentment didn't leave him completely. They were together once more, and alive, and that was all that counted.

~~~

Their easy companionship felt like coming home to Pippin. And when Merry said strange, deep things from time to time, or when his eyes got a distant look when he looked at Pippin, as if he was trying to figure something out, so was this just Merry being Merry, who sometimes enjoyed thought almost as much as a pipe or good food.

Pippin's Merry.

Pippin wanted nothing more than to tell Merry what he had thought about during their time apart -- but Merry was still so weak, and Pippin didn't want to excite him and make him get worse. Also, it was so wonderful, being together again, he didn't want to destroy the time they had.

There would still be time later.

~~~

Merry, on the other hand, was not quite sure what to say to this strangely grown-up Pippin, who, in a role reversal that felt both wonderfully comfortable and frighteningly alien, took so good care of Merry while still following his duties in the palace. Merry's Pippin still, who didn't complain once, only joked about human slavers, but sometimes watched Merry with a flicker of unrecognizable emotion in his clear green eyes.

He settled for simply taking in every moment, to burn everything into his memory, so that he could still hear Pippin's laughter, smell his warm body, and see every line on his face when he lay in his big bed at night, prolonging every precious minute.

Maybe that would be enough.

~~~

But then came Aragorn and told them that they would be separated once more, and Merry's heart clamped down as icy fear invaded his mind. He couldn't lose Pippin, not again, not after such a short respite! What if Pippin died out there, and Merry had to go on without him?

~~~

Pippin couldn't bear the thought of being away from Merry, but he was also glad that Merry wouldn't have to go into another battle, even if this meant that Pippin would have to go on his own. Even if this meant that Pippin might die on his own, apart from Merry.

~~~

In the end, neither one of them had to say anything. They both recognized their own feelings mirrored in the other as their eyes locked after Aragorn had left them alone.

Although Pippin babbled and Merry stuttered, words they couldn't make out in the waves of happiness and excitement flooding them both, it didn't matter. Not when their fingers locked shyly on Merry's bed cover -- a familiar gesture, but now new and enchanting.

Later, after Pippin had joined Merry in his bed, curling up next to him, they exchanged truths in whispers, about dreams and fears and might-have-beens. They didn't have time, Pippin had to join Gondor's other warriors, and they weren't sure what would happen if -- when, Merry insisted, when -- Pippin came back, but for the moment that didn't matter.

~~~

Watching Pippin's upright figure disappear in the mass of soldiers, Merry thought of a cozy hobbit hole with a burning fire and a well-stocked pantry and two hobbits sleeping in a soft bed.

He hoped that Pippin and he would get the chance to live that dream -- but no matter where they were going or what would happen to either of them, they would never be apart again.

~~~


End file.
